


Episode 56B: Relationship Troubles

by JenTheSweetie



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>This just in, listeners: My boyfriend is a giant dick.</i>
</p><p>  <i>I should clarify that I do not mean this literally, nor do I mean any disrespect to Jason Williams, whose condition is, I hear, improving dramatically since the incident at the Night Vale Community College Halloween Party.  No, what I'm referring to is much more metaphorical and, I would imagine, much less pleasurable.</i></p><p>Takes place sometime after the events of "Homecoming."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Episode 56B: Relationship Troubles

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Snapjack for inspiring this, participating in endless conversations about WTNV, and being the best cheerleader and beta ever. I'm so glad I dragged you down, screaming and writhing, into this fandom with me.

What is it to be truly together? What is it to be truly alone? I thought I knew, but then I remembered that nothing is ever truly knowable. Oh, well. Does anybody want to grab a beer?

Welcome to Night Vale!

This just in, listeners: My boyfriend is a giant dick.

I should clarify that I do not mean this literally, nor do I mean any disrespect to Jason Williams, whose condition is, I hear, improving dramatically since the incident at the Night Vale Community College Halloween Party. No, what I'm referring to is much more metaphorical and, I would imagine, much less pleasurable. 

What I am communicating to you today is that Carlos - beautiful, far away Carlos - has not been a good boyfriend as of late. Now, listeners, I know that relationships have hills and valleys. It's natural, you say! There are ups and downs, and every couple must learn to deal with their own challenge, be it jealousy or family disapproval or the fact that one of you is trapped in a desert otherworld with no foreseeable date of return. And I know that. People won't always be perfect, no matter how perfect they seem when they first walk into town with their beautiful hair and steal your heart entirely, making you completely unable to even imagine loving anyone else ever again. Believe me, I have lived with Carlos for over a year, and while our relationship has been marked with more joy than I knew to be possible in a single incarnation, I have also had to learn to deal with some of Carlos' - _quirkier_ \- habits. 

Carlos, for example, is terrible about leaving leftovers for weeks and weeks in the refrigerator. "It's an experiment, Cecil!" he says when I try to throw the leftovers away and/or the leftovers attempt to throw themselves away. "This is science!" Listeners, I have grown to love science these past few years, but at the moment, there are 14 "science experiments" currently holding regional elections in my refrigerator, so I must admit that what I am feeling at the moment is not so very loving.

And that's just the beginning, listeners, that doesn't even - oh. Oh, I see. Station management has passed a note through the wall, and it is still reforming itself in front of me out of light and stardust, but it appears to state that I should "stop whining about the troubles of my insignificant mortal life and get back to the news." Very well - message received! 

A reminder from the City Council about trash can safety. Everybody knows that taking care of your trash is integral to keeping our beautiful burg clean and below the municipally-regulated hazardous waste threshold. Recently, though, some citizens have been neglecting to sort their trash appropriately - we have reports of bottles mixed with paper recyclables, nuclear waste in the same can with imaginary debris, and hopes and dreams missing the can completely and being stuck out on the curb for weeks! Citizens, don't forget - a clean street is a happy, non-endangered-by-incorporeal-beasts-who-live-in-our-garbage street! 

Okay, now that _that's_ over, let's get back to what really matters - my personal life. So, like I was saying, I've grown to accept many of Carlos's habits that previously might have annoyed me, like his forgetfulness when it comes to cleaning up after himself, and his insistence that mountains are not only real, but beautiful and worth visiting. That's just part of being in a mature, adult relationship! But as you may know, currently, Carlos is trapped in the other desert, and listeners, well - it turns out that long distance relationships are _hard_. There's the time difference, first of all: there's no way for me to know what time it is where Carlos is, and no way for him to know what time it is here in Night Vale. Just last week he called me in the middle of the night! Of course, I was thrilled to hear from him, but it turned out that, well, that it was an accidental pocket dial. I mean, it was fine - it was nice just to hear his voice, and I didn't mind listening to him listing off various distances in space-time to his good friend Doug for two and a half hours. By the time the sun rose, it was almost like we were watching it together!

The thing is, though, that Carlos hasn't been very good at staying in touch recently. That pocket dial was the longest call I've had from him in weeks. He texts most days, sure, but it's like I said a few weeks ago - he barely ever calls for more than ten minutes. I mean, I even used the horoscopes to try to gently let him know that I was upset that he hasn't been calling often enough! You know, I'm not even sure he listens to my show anymore, and I know he _can_ , because Mayor Dana has told me that she listened to it every day while _she_ was in the otherworld desert - it just boomed out from the void itself, sometimes three or four times a day! 

But I don't think Carlos is listening at all. He certainly hasn't mentioned noticing any of my thinly veiled references to my displeasure with his recent distractedness, even though I've been dropping hints in all over the place. He requested that I be patient with him, and I have, I really have, but I'm beginning to wonder - when does patience become stupidity? When does understanding become humiliating passivity?

I don't - oh, no. Uh, it sounds like Station Management is growling in a mildly unfriendly manner. Perhaps they are not happy that I just admitted to tampering with official community radio segments in order to passive aggressively request that my boyfriend make a better effort to contact me. Well. Perhaps that was a _bit_ unprofessional. I suppose I can return briefly to our regularly-scheduled programming.

What is the Earth made of? This is a question that has haunted our brightest minds for centuries. Is it a hollow child's toy made of papier-mâché and lost innocence? Maybe. Is it an egg, waiting to break open and reveal a horrible and slightly smaller Earth within? Perhaps. Is it a 4.5 billion year old extremely dense and dirty ball of iron? Who knows for sure! Maybe if you study hard in school, you'll figure it out for yourself. This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Look, listeners, I don't like to complain. I know that Carlos is having his own difficulties over in the otherworld desert. I mean, it doesn't _sound_ like he's having a tough time. They have plenty of food and water, and he has all the science he could ever ask for, and I mean, yeah, he's missing the new episodes of Doctor Who, sure, but I'm saving them on the DVR for him, so I don't think he's too concerned about that. And _he_ sure doesn't seem to be waiting by his phone all the time for _me_ to call. Really, I mean, it seems like Carlos is... doing pretty well... without me. 

Huh.

Well, listeners, while I grapple with the potential end of the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had in my life, I take you now... [to the weather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4-OxOmsqR0).

 

Welcome back, listeners. In case anyone was curious, I did not come to any conclusions during the break: I simply stared, uncomprehending and small, into the void. Perhaps I have been wrong about the generally ambivalent nature of this vast universe all this time, listeners; perhaps Carlos and I were not meant to be together. If Carlos is happier in the desert otherworld than he was here in Night Vale, who am I to ask him to return? I love Carlos _so much_ , and I want him here, with me, but I also want him to be happy, and if those things cannot happen in tandem, well - well, I know which I would prefer. 

So. I suppose that's that. 

I did not think that I could ever feel so - empty.

Well. Anyway. Just because my heart has been broken into more pieces than I can ever hope to glue back together through time or use of dark magic does not mean that there is nothing to report on here in Night Vale! We must forge on, pushing through the pain and sorrow and loneliness that haunts us every day of our lives, we must keep putting one or more feet in front of the other, until the day that all of it stops mattering and nothing matters ever again. 

In other news, it's Karaoke Night down at Dark Owl Records this Friday! Entrants of all ages and species are invited to attend, and there will be competitions for four different group sizes: Solo, Duet, Multiple Head Harmonization, and Screaming Choir. So, don't forget to sign up before 5 pm on - oh, excuse me, [my phone is ringing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iol0B-clFFM), it's - it's Carlos. Um - I need to take this.

Hello, Carlos?

_Hi, Cecil._

Um, hello. It's good to - well - um - how are you?

_I'm okay. How are you?_

Well, I've been better. But then, every day after the day we are born is really just a long, hopefully gentle downhill slope to the day we are too old to remember anything of our lives and our loved ones, sooo... yeah. 

_Right._

Carlos, it's not that I'm not happy to hear from you, but I'm on the air. Did you need something?

_Oh, I - well, I just - I've been listening to the show today._

Oh. I... didn't think you'd been tuning in.

_Well, I have. Kind of. Most of the time. There's just a lot to do here, there's so much sci -_

Science, right. I know. You've mentioned a few times.

_Yeah. Look, Cecil. I owe you an explanation for how I've been behaving. I haven't been a very good boyfriend recently._

Well, Carlos, I try to always be honest with you, so I'm going to have to say: I agree. 

_Yeah, I know you agree. You've spent the whole show talking about it._

Right. 

_And - honestly, Cecil, I don't want to make excuses, because that's not fair to you. I mean, yeah, I'm here in the otherworld desert, and there is a lot to do here, but you're busy too, and you always find time to call me. I've never been good at relationships, but being with you has always been - well, easy. Wonderful. Perfect._

Our relationship isn't perfect, Carlos. Just the weekend before StrexCorps took over the station and I was forced into servitude and you went into hiding, I yelled at you because you left a dirty knife on the edge of sink. Though, to be fair to me, even if you _were_ planning to make another peanut butter and tapenade sandwich, you could always just use a new knife!

 _I know. I don't mean that our relationship is perfect, Cecil, I just mean that you always - you always **try** to make it perfect. You put in 100% every day, and sometimes even more, even though that should be mathematically impossible. Recently... I haven't been so good at that. And like I said, there's no excuse, I just - I'm not good at this kind of thing, Cecil, not like you are._

Well, I don't think anyone is prepared for the struggles of an interdimensional courtship. Even the advice columnists don’t have anything to say about that, usually.

_No, I mean - relationships, and emotions, and non-scientific words and phenomena. But here's the thing: You make me better, you make me **want** to be better. You make me want to be the best boyfriend I can be. And recently... recently I haven't been able to be a boyfriend to you at all. You sound so **sad** when I hang up, and I know it's my fault. I would do anything to get rid of the sadness in your voice, Cecil. And I'm... I'm worried I'll never be able to._

What do you mean, Carlos?

_Cecil, I don't know how to get back. That's why I haven't been calling, that's why I haven't been listening to your show - it's because I'm - well, I'm afraid. I've been working on this for weeks, using absolutely all of the scientific knowledge I have, but I can't figure it out. And I guess I thought maybe it would be easier to tell you that if you were already upset with me, if you didn't want to be with me anymore. I've been a coward. I've hurt you because I thought it would help both of us hurt less in the end._

_But I was wrong. I was so wrong, Cecil, and when I heard your voice today, coming from the sky like it always does, talking about how you thought I was doing better without you - all at once, I knew how wrong and selfish and horrible I've been. I'm not doing better without you, Cecil, I could never do better without you. Without you I can be myself, I can be Carlos the scientist, I can be on my own, I can be **fine** , but I can never be **better**. **You** are the one who makes me better._

Oh, Carlos. Dear, sweet Carlos. You really are not as bad with words as you think you are.

 _Well, thanks, I think. But Cecil - look, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to end things with me. I haven't been the man you thought I was, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't hide because they're afraid of hurting, of being hurt._

Carlos. I won't say that I haven't been upset recently, because I have. But part of loving someone is loving them completely, even when they make huge mistakes. To be sure, love isn't always enough, and people don't change - well, people do sometimes change, into other people or tentacle monsters or shadow energy beings - but at their core, people don't change. But I know who you are deep down, Carlos - you're my scientist. You're my boyfriend. You're my very best friend. And this distance _will not_ tear us apart. 

_I love you, Cecil. And I'm going to do more than just say it from now on. I'm going to prove it to you._

I love you too, Carlos. Until infinity.

_I - infinity isn't exactly a time, I mean, it's **possible** that time is endless, but considering the universe is almost definitely finite - _

Sweetheart, I have to be honest, I don't care.

_Right. Sorry._

Carlos, I never want to hang up this phone, but I do have to wrap up the show. Station Management is being extremely tolerant right now, and I do not know how much longer they will stay calm in the midst of all of these strange and overwhelming emotions. 

_Of course, of course. I'm sorry for interrupting the show._

Oh, _that_ doesn't matter. I would have told everyone about this conversation tomorrow, anyway.

 _I know, dear._

Well, in that case, listeners - remember that people are not always going to be exactly who you thought they were. Sometimes, they will disappoint you, or hurt you, or bore you, or frustrate you. But every day you make a choice to keep loving the people you love, and every day is a new chance to love them afresh, to take a risk, to do the right thing. Being alive is a strange and beautiful mistake to make, and we should not waste our opportunity to - 

_Cecil! Cecil, I see a door!_

What? 

_I see one of the old oak doors! It's far away, out in the desert, but I'm running toward it now. Maybe it will take me back to Night Vale!_

Oh, my goodness! Oh, that would be so wonderful, Carlos. Do you need to go, or - ?

_Cecil, don't hang up. Stay with me._

Anything, Carlos. Always. Listeners, I need to stay on the phone with my boyfriend now; we are working through this whole interdimensional love story thing together. I'll update you all tomorrow with what I hope is the very best news of my life. Until then... 

Good night, Night Vale. Good night!

**Author's Note:**

> The weather was "Can't Pretend" by Tom Odell.
> 
> Carlos' ringtone was, insufferably, "Build Me Up Buttercup" by the Foundations.


End file.
